i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
