kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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