My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Randomize
