i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
And then he peed in my hair
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