Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
