She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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