life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
