I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
