well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
