I can tuck mytits in my pants
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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