you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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