I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
