he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
