We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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