they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
