i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
