there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
