I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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