booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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