I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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