I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Randomize
