areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
