I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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