i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
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