Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
