i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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