so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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