I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
