Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
