Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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