You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
