Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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