I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
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