You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Randomize
