I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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