if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Randomize
