He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
