We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
