Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
