I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
