the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
