Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
