i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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