drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
