I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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