if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
