I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
