what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
