Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
