Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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