I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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