Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
