Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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