the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
