my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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