I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
