that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
