He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
